My Star

If dreams are like stars, and you wait at them to fall oh well good luck to you but I say, pick one star, your one dream, and then fish it out the sky.

There are always two scenarios: the one that you want for yourself and that one that you don’t want but people require you to have it. The irony of the situation takes place because we’re living on a time-bounded earth. We change; we grow old however the one thing that is constant is our dream.

I like suspending in the bubble of my dream, one that I desire to have, one that I would die to have. The illusion fades that they aren’t light years away from me. They come true.  And one day there’s this girl no longer day dreaming but making it all happen. Not only for what she wants but also what other people want for her to have, in her little ways, in any degree of her capabilities… she will because she believes she can.

If you want it, the star… your dream… you have to want it, ‘cause it isn’t something that you do out of a whim.

2 years.

Cheers!
To you, me
To US
To our two years.
and for the love that stood still.

Happy Anniversary, I love you!

Yeah, write!

I started to write because it was something that everyone could do. I remember the first ever literary work I did was a poem. I wrote it when I was in grade 4, because I had a crush on my friend. I didn’t know exactly what to do when he’s near, parati akong nabubulol pag kausap siya, pagnakikita ko siya parang bigla na lang may umuusbong na bulaklak sa tabi at pag nginingitian niya ako, para siyang boy-next-door sa isang close-up commercial – at kung yun nga ang puppy love na tinatawag nila, yun na nga siguro ‘yun. But I hardly know what was it back then, that’s why the title was “Feelings or not Feelings”. At nasundan pa ng marami iyon na nakalagay sa 100 pages na sterling nokbuk.

Sabi ng mga classmates ko, may talent daw ako. Ba’t di ko daw ipasa ang mga gawa ko sa HS journal namin. Hindi ko alam pero

Maling Akala

Caution: do not read unless you want to get even with my I.Q.

Sumagi sa isip ko nagyon lang, sa dinarami ramin ng numero sa orasan bakit ngayon pang 2am ng umaga, Patola… (LLS ko yata kay Toni G.), ang kasabihang “maraming namamatay sa akala”. Pakiesplika nga at hindi maabot ng I.Q. ko. Hindi ba dapat maraming nagkakamali sa akala. Bakit umaabot ng pagpapakamatay ang kung sino mang damuho ang nakapagisip niyan. May experience ba siya sa ganyan kaya niya nasasabi ang mga bagay na yan?

.::.

Pinilit ko naming abutin ang utak ng nagsabi niyan. Marahil nakatulong ang sugo hot and spicy peanuts na nginunguya ko ngayon. Share ko na? Pilitin mo muna ko. Sige na nga. Mapilit ka eh. I strongly think naks… pahenyo eh… na dinidedicate niya ang kasabihang yan kay Romeo. Sino si Romeo? Kilala mo ba siya?

Quote-quotan #1

kapag may tiyaga, may reward
kapag may nilaga, may kanin!

-ako

Angel of Death

For Cristina
For Ate May.
For the man who died in front of our house.
For Mr. Flores, our neighbor.
For my uncles, grandfathers and grandmothers.

They are gone forever.

They made me realize how short life is.

When one reaches its end, he’ll be placed in a coffin and buried six feet under. Soon, he’ll be eaten up by soil, be part of it, a once precious life turned into non living, faded away by time and disregarded by loved ones.

“..afterwards saw death as my daily companion, who is always by my side, saying: “I will touch you, but you don’t know when” Therefore live life intensely as you can.”

- Paulo Coelho, Like the flowing river

The thought of death itself scares me. Who wouldn’t be? However, it’s scarier when the angel of death appears before me and says “Your time is up” while holding with him an hourglass. I may have start bargaining about my life right there and then and plead to my sincerest if  the angel of death could give me more minutes to bid my last goodbye to the ones I loved.

.::.

When I cared for someone who is diagnosed with hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy, I empathized how he suffers from his disease. He’s bed ridden. His eyes lock in blank stares – a look that goes right through you. He can’t communicate. He can’t move though he only makes reflex activities that mimic conscious activities. It’s much like death for him everyday and for his family – doubles the agony for such unseen hopes.

.::.

Death comes ashore
… when someone breaks your heart.
… when a mother longs for his son’s love.
… when people find themselves trapped and storm surge comes sweeping through.
… when a father can’t feed his 10 children thrice a day.
… when someone feels he’s a loser.
… when someone doesn’t lose the pain instead he’ll just get used to it.

The angel of death kisses your heart and feeds on it until it dies… and all that is left is black and hatred.

.::.

See, death is almost everywhere here on a living dead’s place. So, how does one survives?

.
..
.

maybe it’s LOVE.

Deathday ngani.

Hindi ako namulat sa tradisyon na pumunta ng sementeryo pag araw ng patay, lahat kasi ng mga namatay naming kamag-anak ay nasa probinsya. Kaya ang  payabangan ng mga horror stories, at gawing bola ang natunaw na kandila ay hanggang sa bahay ko lang nagagawa. Ipinagitirik na lang namin sila ng kandila at ipinaghahanda ng pagkain. Parang may birthday. Ang bisita nga lang, eh di nakikita.

Madalas kong paulanan ng tanong ang nanay ko sa mga bagay na tulad nito. Mausisa, at hindi titigil hanggat di ko nakukuha ang tamang sagot.

Ako: Bat may kandila ma?
Mama: Para gabayan sila sa tatahakin nilang landas
Ako: Bakit maliwanag naman sa langit ata eh?
Mama: Basta tradisyon na yan na ipagtirik sila ng kandila.
Ako: Bat valenciana handa natin? Dati kalamay. Dati spaghetti?
Mama: Para masarap pagkain nila.
Ako: Di naman sila nakain eh, patay kaya.
Mama: Ihanda mo na nga yung table. (Seryoso na si nanay)

Ang table, lalagyan ng magandang tela, tas titirikan ng higanteng espermang kandila sa kaliwa at kanan. Lalagyan din ng santo, rosaryo, plato na may pagkain, dalawang baso ng malamig na tubig at tinidor. Depende kung ilan ang patay mo, yun ang bilang. At pagkatapos, iiwan ang kwarto ng ilang oras.

Dati hindi talaga ako nagseset-up niyan. Natatakot kasi ako. Hindi sa patay ha! Kundi sa reason ng nanay ko kung bat niya ginagawa yun, na siya lang nakakagets. Sabi sayo eh, nakakatakot ang ideya.

Ako: Ma, may birthday?
Mama: anak, deathday kaya.
Ako: Kaya may handa?
Mama: Oo. (Tipid ng sagot.)
Ako: Parang commemoration?
Mama: Oo ganon.
Ako: Anong gagawin nila sa food?
Mama: Bahala sila. Pede nilang amuyin.
Ako: Kaya nila?
Mama: .. -.-
Ako: Bakit sila pupunta dito? Bat hindi tayo?
Mama: Sino naghanda ng pagkain?
Ako: Tayo. Ay ikaw pla.
Mama: Sino bisita?
Ako: Sila. (Ha.. hongaa..)

Nandun naman ang effort ng nanay ko sa pagpapaliwanag. Maingat. Ayaw niya pa ko deretsuhin na kaluluwa ng pagkain ang kakainin ng mga kaluluwa. Siguro dahil pag nagtanong ako ng “Bakit na naman”, mababatukan na niya ako ng kandila. Sige na nga, ang tradisyon ay tradisyon. Magagalit ang angkan ni Melchora kung ipagpilitan na palitan. Parang kaluluwa, di na nga sila nakikita kaya wag na yayaing magpakita. Kaya nga mga nanahimik na di ba? Kaya observe silence. Ssshh.

Reflections by dawn

I wake up scratching my upper arms. I thought the new medication prescribed by the doctor will help me get through with a sound sleep. I go to the bathroom and wash my skin with a hypoallergenic soap to relieve the itching. Then, I get myself a glass of water to drink and headed my way back to my room.

I can’t sleep anymore. So I decided to continue reading the fictional book I bought earlier this afternoon. I’m on my half-way reading it.

The temperature is dropping. My feet feel cold. I slowly pull the sheet towards me with my toes. I have been reading at least 5 pages of the book when suddenly I felt the urge to pray. They say that early morning, angels would gather round by the shore to wait for the sunrise. It’s 4 am and they must be on their way now. If I pray, they would stop along with their angel friends and hear my monologue.

I told Him and Uriel my thank you’s for having been back on the right track again. Usually when I’m at the road of indecisiveness, I tend to need more answers to justify my questions. However, I didn’t get any. It’s funny that only now I realized I had been with that situation for many times. Maybe its aim is to teach me the things I refuse to learn. “Yeah right, I had been through this before but I didn’t dare to go beyond it” I whispered to myself.

Don’t be afraid to be lost when at least you have the opportunity not to rush things, to stop and think and rethink, and know where you’re heading to. Keep praying even if all seems in vain.

I can’t say my hopes are really that high. Neither I don’t want to expect nor fall for disappointments in the end. My mind simply says “Pessimism doesn’t exist”.
It is dawning…
And the warrior of light is in me.

10 Minutong Usap Kasama Ka

Alam mo hindi kumpleto ang araw ko na hindi kita naiinom sa umaga.
Parang walang umaga pag hindi kita naaamoy.
Hindi rin masayang magaral pag wala ka sa tabi ko
Ka-jamming kasi kita sa mga cramming moments ko
Pag kailangan kong maging high,
Titingin lang ako sa dining table at para ka ng kumakaway.

Hindi ka masarap pag iba ang nagtitimpla.
Kailangan black, less sugar.
Pag rainy days naman, solve na ko
Na ikaw ang kasama sa kwarto ko
Hindi ko nararamdamang magisa
Habang nagbabasa ng paborito kong libro o nagsa-soundtrip.

Meeny-Miny-Meow

The comfort of sleeping seems to induce me these past few weeks as if I am a preschooler, who will have classes the next day. 7am is my waking time. That makes it 10 hours of slumbering the night away. But I won’t trade it! Pinaghirapan ko ata to. ‘Cause for the whole month of September I’ve been battling with the clocks and gods on how-to-get-a-nice-sleep.

But this week, something has been bugging me during the waking and sleeping moments of my bum’s tamb’s life.