Not a hard core
Do you have those days wherein you can’t seem to populate the things in your head, and if they would come tangible you would have pick them out from your flustered brain for real?
This is one of those. I tried typing words but I end up deleting them then starting a new word again hoping it will become a phrase but Ms. Backspace button was really nice to me, and so I didn’t have to cross nor doodle the errors or literally make a scratch. And good thing there’s no scratch in desktops! Because they go rocket straight to earth-friendly recycle bin. At the very least, I have something in control.
I would have wanted to throw empty bottles of soft drinks on the wall, but it’s too messy. So, it’s a bad idea. Painting. I tried earlier this morning. I actually wasted 3 eggshell drawing papers because I can’t think of a good subject. 2 down! I know it’s weird but that’s me, I have to be busy so I could think straight. And I couldn’t think straight because I have issues. Yes, issues, I bet you have also. You know rainy days can sometimes be so unfriendly because they affect my hormones.
You know, if this is the training ground for us, neophytes or noobs whatever the elders call us, which all-knowing Mr. Experience requires to, then this is bullshit. Why does it have to be this soo hard?
When a car hits you and you survived the accident, does that makes you a fighter or a lucky person?
Think of yourself several months ago and compare it today. Do you consider yourself a fighter or a lucky person?
We always know what we want. Like the red dot on the dart, we want that. We BADLY want that. But it is disappointing that we don’t know how.We whisper to ourselves that “we can”. Breathe in. Breathe out. Out of the blue, we’re uncontrolled. We find ourselves sick of what is happening. The four walls that surround you seems getting closer and closer to you, pushing you… pushing you to burst out. Afterwards, tears overflow.
Sometimes strategies fail. We lose the drive of trying over and over again because “effort conscious” we’re not even close to being hard core. We’re only neophytes. Does that makes me a loser or unlucky?
This is the part where the clouds are supposed to console me. I want Tlaloc or any God of rain or whoever is available to downpour the rain as heavy as his powers could so no one would hear me.
I am not a hard core. When I feel blue and I know I needed to cry, I cry.
But then, I see sunshine out of my window.
No semicircular rainbow this time, maybe I still have to chase it. If I don’t, I won’t see the pot of gold my grandmother used to tell me.
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