Ciao time.

This blog has been so good to me. I call it human-absorber-of-so-many-things. If you are a blogger, you know what I mean. Starting from joyful moments to my rants to those stories my brain simply wants to fart… all sorts of emotions it never refused to take in, as if it has a choice.

I have been here at wordpress for 8 months  but the old posts, dated October 2006 were imported originally from blogspot. Those were indeed memorable for me because that was my second blog, the longest one. My first was in FS, I deleted it because it had my memoirs of my first heartache. At that time, I was on my moving on stage, so the only way to cure my oh-so-breaky-heart was to get rid of things that caused the pain.

Writing has been an outlet for me. In everything that I write, there’s a fulfillment of myself to become writer. So, if you find my posts a bit deeper, now you know.

As they say, some things never last but every end entails a sweet start. So ciao time for now here. Come visit me at -> ickaissimo.blogspot.com

FYI: Joo want to know my fave blog post? It’s the first post that I made here. Find it. Find it.  October 2006 Title: Trapped.

It just made me smile when I back read the post.

It’s only a flat tire in the rain so…

Not a hard core

Do you have those days wherein you can’t seem to populate the things in your head, and if they would come tangible you would have pick them out from your flustered brain for real?

This is one of those. I tried typing words but I end up deleting them then starting a new word again hoping it will become a phrase but Ms. Backspace button was really nice to me, and so I didn’t have to cross nor doodle the errors or literally make a scratch. And good thing there’s no scratch in desktops! Because they go rocket straight to earth-friendly recycle bin. At the very least, I have something in control.

I would have wanted to throw empty bottles of soft drinks on the wall, but it’s too messy. So, it’s a bad idea. Painting. I tried earlier this morning. I actually wasted 3 eggshell drawing papers because I can’t think of a good subject. 2 down! I know it’s weird but that’s me, I have to be busy so I could think straight. And I couldn’t think straight because I have issues. Yes, issues, I bet you have also. You know rainy days can sometimes be so unfriendly because they affect my hormones.

You know, if this is the training ground for us, neophytes or noobs whatever the elders call us, which all-knowing Mr. Experience requires to, then this is bullshit. Why does it have to be this soo hard?

When a car hits you and you survived the accident, does that makes you a fighter or a lucky person?

Think of yourself several months ago and compare it today. Do you consider yourself a fighter or a lucky person?

We always know what we want. Like the red dot on the dart, we want that. We BADLY want that. But it is disappointing that we don’t know how.We whisper to ourselves that “we can”. Breathe in. Breathe out. Out of the blue, we’re uncontrolled. We find ourselves  sick of what is happening. The four walls that surround you seems getting closer and closer to you, pushing you… pushing you to burst out. Afterwards, tears overflow.

Sometimes strategies fail. We lose the drive of trying over and over again because “effort conscious” we’re not even close to being hard core. We’re only neophytes. Does that makes me a loser or unlucky?

This is the part where the clouds are supposed to console me. I want Tlaloc or any God of rain or whoever is available to downpour the rain as heavy as his powers could so no one would hear me.

I am not a hard core. When I feel blue and I know I needed to cry, I cry.

But then, I see sunshine out of my window.

No semicircular rainbow this time, maybe I still have to chase it. If I don’t, I won’t see the pot of gold my grandmother used to tell me.

The Big Bad Wall

Last night, something horrible happened to me. I was supposed to go to the bathroom and make a pretty quick shower when accidentally my left little pinky dumb toe hit the wall. I wanted to spank the wall but I knew I’m no match for it. So poor little me, I cried for like 3 minutes because it really really hurts.  I was very mad then. The big bad wall received verbal abuse from me (T@//7n@ m0!!! Ampuchi ka! Magkamatayan na ‘wag lang ang maganda kong paa!) – tanga lang oh kinausap ang isang inanimated object di ba.

The door was half-opened. My mom passed by and saw me  crying on the floor like a kiddo who  lost his fave toy.  She then asked me what happened. I told her I accidentally bumped my toe on the wall.  And joo know what did she told me?

It was like she borrowed face from joker when she told me  “nananahimik yung wall eh”.

Oh well, prone naman talaga ako sa bumps, sa side ng table, wall, doors… sa liit kong ito ewan ko lang pero sa kagaslawan marahil doon. Kaya Emman would call me “kiti-kiti”.

I told Emman na na-injured ang paa ko. Hanapin niya daw yung wall, suntukin daw niya for me. Yey!

I went to SM yesterday, dahil SALE!!! ayun, naka-heels ako (para may panipa ako kung sino ang magtatangkang apakan ako) at naka-dressed with o.s ang injured kong paa. Tapos may dumaang magnanakaw sa harap ko. (Syempre alam ko dahil may humahabol sa kanya na sumisigaw na magnanakaw! magnanakaw!) — para lang may nag-tataping ganon ang scenario. I was holding a box of pizza on my left and on my right, yung isa pang food and my cellphone. So there’s no way that I could like make harang the magnanakaw by using my arms… naisip ko yung paa ko pero kasi… kasi… ahm… nagbago yung isip ko…tiyak ko naman mahuhuli yung manong na magnanakaw sa dami ba naman ng tao dun

Goodbye Zman

Still fresh in my memory, as soon as our clinical instructor said we could go home and rest, because it was the last day of our clinical rotation in that place, I ran along the corridor and exactly in 2minutes I was inside the tricycle. Then, I promised to myself I would never ever go back to that place again.

Fastforward.

March 2009. Desperate enough to find a hospital to work for, I contacted a friend to help me out. And usual, “Padrino System” never failed me. New acquaintances. New environment. Everything was new-fangled for me even the gossips that I fished out there. But since, I value my new job I concentrated more on learning new things.

After several weeks, I was asked to do something. Something that relates to BLS, ACLS, IVT trainings and some seminars that will soon be conducted there. At first it was okay, because those trainings are familiar to me. But as days passed by, he delegated me more of his so called “special projects”. Vacancies or jobs are created for the protégés. It sounds so familiar, right? Never I expect he’ll promote me as Head of the Nursing Service. Was I happy? NOT AT ALL. (The moment that he said “head of the nursing office” – it is literal to say na mag-iisip ka para sa mga special projects niya dahil una pa lang walang tao sa nursing service office, kundi ang new-apponited head.. at ako yun”)

The truth is, okay na ko as a volunteer-floater nurse. I can really say na nananahimik ang buhay ko, nagulo pa. Mas lalo pa nung dinelegate sa akin yung work to put up a new school. (nursery to college, yan ning). That’s why my last week was a rollercoaster. To make the story short, as soon as I got the DECS form GPR 3 from DepED (requirements for a proposal for initial permit of a new school), hindi ko talaga siya binasa.. yung 4 pages na long bond paper na requirements.. hindi talaga. Nung hiningi niya sa akin yun’ para magdelegate ng gagawin, nagdilim ang mga mata ko when I was asked to do the Philosophy, Mission, Vision ng school. (Like HELLO? Ang alam ko nga lang yung sa perps, hindi ko pa memorize, tas papagawin mo ko. Magtatayo na lang ako ng school ko no!)

Acshulee, madami pang stories behind that. It’s too long to tell. I’m just really glad that it’s over. I sent my letter of resignation this morning.

I learned so many things there aside from the nursing experience per se, (

1) Never let anyone to outsmart you.

(2) It’s never easy to do the things you hate but it’s more difficult when you do things you don’t have any idea with.  Para kang nakatinigin sa box ng explosives and yet hindi mo alam kung ano ang gagawin mo dito para hindi sumabog. BOOM!

(3) Karma strikes like lightning and the fastest is 3 seconds.

(4) Cursing people is never bad. Believe me.

(5) When you don’t really know what to do, and you have tried so many interventions yet it didn’t work… close your eyes… inhale and exhale… and say ” MOTHER EARTH, UNIVERSE CONSPIRE WITH ME… I need this (state your plea) “

Bacolod Getaway

At Centennial Airport terminal 2

At Silay Airport, Bacolod 5pm

prusisyon…

At Buenos Aires Mountain Resort, Ma-ao

Mt. Kanlaon

Vanilla Ice cream + Strawberry jam = namnam!

Lolas making valenciana

Good morning kid. He has this habit of greeting “good morning” after waking up at kahit gabi na, good morning pa din.

si “manager” at ako.

Lunch at Swiss village. parang hindi lunch, parang appetizer ko lang. walang mabubusog dito..

Left : Danmark Right: Tito Jun

Napadaan ako sa labas… may lovers. yeee..

approaching Bataan… ooh sunset.. ooh sunset

It has been a memorable experience for me. Nung last time na umuwi ako was when I was 9 years old ata. I met the Yuro clan and their extended family at grabe! hindi ko na nga maalala yung mga nag-alaga sa akin nung bata pa ako at si lola, iyak ng iyak ng makita kami. Masaya talaga! gusto ko na ngang magstay walang air pollution dun kaso, pahirapan sa signal ng cellphone, walang broadband, malayo ang mall… sa bayan pa. Ayun, i’ll be coming back by June. Next stop -> Mambukal Mountain Resort, trekking!

Timeline

March 18 – Bujoy’s birthday until now I am waiting for her blow out.

March 19 – IVT cases completed at MCI.

March 21 – I was with my childhood friends and usual, Oliver developed allergies for consuming red horse. So heartbreaking. His sensitivity reaction to alcohol is innate.

March 22 – Hangover. I slept all day. I was too lazy to get out of my niche. I asked my mom to buy me a new sun sim.

March 23 – I was interviewed by an Arab doctor. Too my dismay, he wasn’t very good in English but I made him laughed throughout the interview. (Gaguhan lang ba.)

March 25 – I consumed 6 bottles of yakult in one day. An overdose of biotics in stomach cause unfriendly reactions to bowel.

March 26 – Pipay’s birthday. Celebration was moved to Saturday.

Chris’s birthday as well.

March 28 – Brother bear’s birthday. Pipay and bro bear threw a blow out. Sad. I wasn’t able to attend.

March 29- IV insertion at left metacarpal vein for a 19 year old tall, cute, chinito boy.

March 30 – I assisted in the OR, and accidentally the patient’s gory blood squirted into my white scrubs (I mean Airah’s scrubs). And I haven’t told her yet. Haha. But her scrubs are all white and disinfected hanging in our clothesline.

March 31 – I went out with my mom to play bingo. I won the solo black-out, but the price wasn’t really that big because it’s an in-between game. She then rewarded me half of the prize because I played for her cards.

Jobelle’s birthday. She demanded for a gift, screaming via sms. I would want to give her a gift if and then she would throw a party.

April 1 – Movie Marathon with Emman ‘till 10pm

April 4 – Emman and I exchanged greetings, telling each other, “Happy 1 year and 4 month’s anniversary!” only to realize that we terribly forgot it’s supposed to be 2 years and 4 months.

April 6 – I therefore conclude, pag holy week = nagtitika ang mga tao so less crime rate = less injured people / holy week = penitence period so tiis muna sa sakit as a sacrifice. Ang labo ng tao eh.

April 7 – That morning, Pau and I went to baclaran for novena. Also, we searched for scrub suits worth 150 pesos. Si ate, ayaw patalo 160 na lang daw, pampuhunan. Ayaw din namin patalo.

April 8 – Nakigulo sa mga tao sa sm bacoor. Ewan ko ba parang panic buying silang lahat. Nakakaloka.

April 9 – Done packing my bags. I’ll be spending the rest of the holy week in Bacolod. FLT PR 157 14:10 See you!

Love over bitterness

There’s this one scene on an episode on Grey’s Anatomy wherein a couple is supposed to go on a Caribbean cruise. They have planned it for a long time and have saved their money. But unfortunately, (I suppose you’re thinking something tragic happened) but no, her husband simply fell asleep and so the trip was cancelled. The wife was very angry. She kept nagging her husband that he’s always like that – tedious and unenthusiastic. Her husband was really sorry for what happened. He came home tired from work and so he fell asleep, that’s it. There’s no intention of ruining their dream tour.

While doing some check-up, the resident noticed a twitching in his cheeks, she run some test to find out why. CT scan reveals he has a tumor in his brain that explains the sleeping problems and personality changes.

The wife got the news and felt sorry for being indifferent to her husband. The husband replied something like this “You said I was boring, and then you are divorcing me. Now, I have a tumor huge as a baseball ball. How I wish you could’ve given me the benefit of the doubt!”

—

Okay let’s give it another try. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But before that, give me an hour to do my yoga, or what Cio told me a while ago that it is merely a matter of “mind setting.” Inhale, Exhale. Repeat it 10x or more while keeping the pranas open.

Getting the picture from a bigger perspective… from now on, I will imagine that people have tumors somewhere hidden in their brain when they are difficult to deal with or vice versa. Because (I admit it) I tend to over think some things (maybe it’s the adverse effect of giving the situation a rational excuse only to end up with an irrational remedy of nothing). It is self-inflicted. And it sucks. Maybe on one part we both did change in a way. We’re not the couple who used to h-h-w-w (holding hands while walking) along the hallway of school. There’s more to each of our individuality that has been transformed. However, one thing that always comes is change with or without tumors in our heads. We have to keep up with it before it ruins our relationship.

It’s is driving me crazy, the things I am venting out here. Do you think I created this mess alone? Could be kasi siya steady lang. Habang ako naloloka dito. Teka, inhale, exhale. Haayy.. I want this to work more than anything else, because it’ s important to me. Teka, inhale, exhale ulit.

Because of the yoga, I chose love over bitterness.

—

I will leave you with this vid. I can’t get enough of this commercial. I bet the girl doesn’t like yoga at all and Chuck, probably has a tumor. Dum-di-dum-dum-dum…

Boredom kills

There are two things I want to do: I want to cry in front of you, spank your chest until I lose all my strength and — admit that I am tired. I would not like to think that I’m one of those teleserye princesses I watch every night.

I am not tired of loving you. I am tired of what is happening to our relationship. But I don’t say I quit. More than just the superficial – I have faith with you and to us.

The second thing is, to fix this. It is not me who will do the fixing but we will. Do not pretend that things are okay when they are not. There are room for good, better and best, but where are we? We are just okay. And it is becoming too monotonous and bland.

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According to a good friend, there are three things that can kill a relationship: “pride, insecurity and jealousy.” True. And the fourth thing would be boredom.

I have a story to tell. A husband love his wife so much that he makes breakfast for her before she goes to work. He cooks fried rice, a couple of hotdogs and an egg (with an effort of molding it into a heart-shape). The wife appreciated her husband’s effort; She ate it regardless of the fried rice tasted very salty, and the egg was shaped unsuccessfully into a triangle. The next morning, breakfast was served better than yesterday. Days passed by that it became his routine to cook fried rice, hotdogs and a heart-shaped, sunny side up egg. He even perfected it after several weeks. Her wife, grateful for the service that her husband makes, never fails to say sweet words like thank you and I love you to him.

One morning, he served breakfast again. The husband noticed that her wife was not eating the food. He then asked if he missed something.

The wife answered, “None. It is perfect. You did great and I appreciate that you wake up as early as 4 am to cook for my breakfast.”

The husband replied, “Then, what’s wrong?”

“Don’t you notice you have been doing it for 8 weeks already? The wife said.

The husband said, “I am doing it because that’s how much I love you.”

“I do not question your love for me. I have always known that but my taste buds are complaining” the wife replied.

Sometimes, I am deceived by a thought of ending it up, especially when I’m on the brink of my emotions. In spite of that, I believe that surrender is not an option – unless you have tried all the interventions that could possibly revive the relationship. Mind you, martyr is a lot different from this. I am not pushing myself to suffer but I wait for the “change” patiently, that is worth the time and effort involved.

Neither I am not asking you to love me more nor give me the best of the world. Love me the way you want to love me and GROW with me.

An attempt to write a love letter but failed.

I will make ANOTHER attempt to write a love letter.

…

..

.

But my creative juice won’t let me.

No signs of any drop.

So, I quit.